This blog will be the first post among a series of others talking about self-love.
First topic focuses on self worth and love in a romantic relationships.
Lately, a common statement I have heard amongst women and men is "What If I prepare him or her for the next person? I don't think that's fair they reap the benefits of who I helped them to be." Understanding this exact comment is what helps us dive into why some people stay complacent in a relationship even when they are not happy.
I believe majority of people seek validation from their relationships and not working on self-love for themselves which causes inner conflict and false expectations.
Here are my thoughts of why this is:
One reason is that they are afraid to be alone. As you get older, it's normal for you to seek stability. We use to say “By 25, I hope I am married and starting my family.” We end up focusing on this goal, but not focused on who we are getting in a relationship with. Some people end up settling for less then what they deserve. They fear growing older and alone and not being able to have a relationship that could potentially turn into marriage. It is okay to be 25 and not accomplish this goal yet. Focus more on preparing yourself for your future which includes meeting someone at 28, 30, or 37. It’s not the age that matters, It’s the substance of yourself and the person you are with.
Another reason is "Family/ Society pressures". We see relationship and relationship goals all over the internet. It adds this extra pressure to yourself to compromise want you want just to post a picture on Instagram. Furthermore, as you grow up, the common "Do you have a boyfried or girlfriend yet” question comes up at ever meeting, family gathering, or appearance you make. It also plays into the above statement about putting a "deadline" on when certain things should be accomplished. Listen, you can have degrees, a job, your life, and a relationship too. Everyone's time is different and you shouldn't compromise to get married based on pressures from family and society. I would rather wait then rush into something with someone just to meet other peoples standards.
Lastly, the majority of us have been blinded by statements such as "Help he/she heal" "Don't leave them. Teach them how to love you." These statements create such confusion as those women and men began to stay in relationships that are not good for them. They begin to tell themselves they can continue to deal with the pain and the hurt because they know one day this person will change. To be honest, a person will not change unless they want to change. Can a person change for someone? Yes, I believe that can happen, but people change when they are ready to change. Staying in a complacent relationship will only continue to hurt you. You can aid someone into becomping better but they must change for themselves. ( This is called organic change- the change comes from the internal for themselves).
So let's get back to the question of "What If I prepare him or her for the next person? I don't think that's fair they reap the benefits of who I helped them to be?”
Think about everyone you have been in relationships with and why it ended.
Sometimes people are not ready to accept the same love you have for them, and that's okay. Some relationships should be used as lessons that we learn about ourselves . Ask yourself why do I continue to get into these relationships that are not good for me. Usually it's because, 1) You ignore red flags, 2) You are compromising with your standards 3) You try to fix people.
Instead of saying you are preparing them for the one, recognize YOU ARE THE ONE. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO IS EQUALLY YOKED.
You can not continue to harp on what if's or you will hold yourself back from something greater. These feelings are valid, but don't sit on them. If you are single right now, Love yourself and the right person will come. Live for yourself and Continue on your journey. Don't put a band aid on your heart and think it's going to solve the problem, Began to internally heal by taking care of the womb that scared you!